IDIOT SAVANT RAISES ROBOT FAMILY, BANKRUPTS ACTUAL FAMILY

For the past 30 years, a Chinese simpleton has been building robots from scavenged materials.

Uneducated farmer Wu Yulu, 46, spent several years assembling his first robot, a simple machine that Wu designed to “walk like a man.” Wu’s robot, incapable of lifting its legs, could only shuffle awkwardly.

Wu’s robot friends have become much more advanced over the years and are now able to perform important tasks on the farm such as lighting cigarettes, playing musical instruments, writing poetry and scaling walls.

Spending two-thirds of his monthly income on robots, Wu has burdened his family with debt. In danger of losing his Beijing-area home, Wu was forced to sell some of his precious robots, a last resort for someone who refers to his robots as his “sons.”

Wu has named all of the robots after himself and assigned each robot a number based on order of creation. His current robot family is comprised of Wu1 to Wu26.

“They are all my sons,” says Wu. “So they must bear my surname.”

DWARVES ESTABLISH WEIRD UTOPIA

A community of dwarves in southern China has formed its own tiny town.

Seceding from Kunming, the 120 dwarves hope to escape discrimination while profiting from the flocks of tourists who come to gape at their “castle” and mushroom-shaped houses. In a bid to maximize tourism, the dwarves have begun dressing as Oompa Loompas and other exotic creatures.

Those who wish to live in the town must be shorter than 4 feet, 3 inches tall.

“As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people," comments Fu Tien. "But here there aren't any big people and everything we do is for us.”

THE ISLE OF LESBOS IS NOT A TOWN IN SWEDEN

A flurry of articles in the Chinese news media reveals the existence of a magical town of lesbians in northern Sweden, where thousands of horny women have prospered for 150 years without the presence of men, somehow avoiding the need for reproduction.

The Xinhua news agency reports that the 25,000-woman city was founded in 1820 by a wealthy widow. The town is known as “Shakebao” or “Chako Paul City.”

China’s Harbin news service reports that the women have all turned to lesbianism “because they could not suppress their sexual needs.” The Shanghai media group concurs that a lack of exposure to men forms the basis of municipal lesbianism.

According to reports, most of the town’s residents are employed in the forestry industry. Typically, the women strut around topless, sporting belts “full of woodworking equipment.”

A pair of blonde, female sentries guard the entrance to the town, inflicting great violence on all men who attempt to breach security. Women who opt to leave the city are only permitted to return following the completion of several cleansing rituals.

According to Xinhua, Chako Paul’s tourism industry is bustling. “Hotels and restaurants are everywhere, to receive women from around the world.”

*********

The Swedes remain unconvinced.

Claes Bertilson, spokesperson for Sweden’s association of Local Authorities and Regions expresses doubt over the existence of Chako Paul.

“At 25,000 residents, the town would be one of the largest in northern Sweden, and I find it hard to believe that you could keep something like that a secret for more than 150 years,” comments Bertilson.

Per Wilhelmsson, a tourism official in northern Sweden says that while he has never heard of Chako Paul, tourism in the area is robust.

A BUTTERY DEATH

An emergency crew was dispatched to a steel bridge in Guangzhou, China last month to smear butter over every inch of the 1,000-foot-long bridge.

The scenic bridge had become a renowned spot to commit suicide. The site is so popular among the desperate that eleven people plunged to their deaths there in April.

Chinese officials installed fences and posted notices “asking people not to commit suicide here,” says a spokesperson for the PRC.

Yet the suicides continued, leading to the bizarre application of butter to a bridge.

“That’s not going to stop people from jumping off the bridge,” comments my wife. “That’s going to cause people to fall off.”

*********

In May, 66-year-old Lai Jiansheng pushed a potential jumper off the bridge.

Chen Fuchao intended to kill himself to escape a 2 million yuan debt incurred over a failed construction project.

Lai was enraged when he saw the would-be jumper on the bridge, holding up traffic. After failing to persuade the police to allow him to negotiate with Chen, Lai broke through a barricade and climbed up to Chen’s perch.

Lai greeted Chen with a handshake before quickly shoving him off the bridge.

“I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish,” says Lai. “Their action violates a lot of public interest.”

Meet and greet.

Pushed by Lai, Chen falls off bridge.

Chen salutes the crowd after pushing man off bridge.