Steve Forbes: I'm a Rich Jerk

Steve Forbes is the worst idiot in the world. Plenty of idiots are stupider than Forbes, but Forbes is the worst kind of idiot, one who can publish absurdities in a magazine with millions--well, thousands--of readers.

This publication is a joke. Every goddamned article refers to the "flat tax". Clearly Forbes remains fascinated by his one idea.

Editor-in-chief of the aptly titled Forbes (Flat Tax would be too obvious), Forbes writes his latest column (aptly headed "FACT & COMMENT -- STEVE FORBES") on how to rescue Japan. The solution to Japan's woes: flat tax.

"One major change that Tokyo should employ this time is to go for straight-out cuts in income tax--or even a flat tax--instead of preserving a loophole-riddled tax code that makes Swiss cheese look like a wall of steel."

Notice how Forbes offsets his timely flat tax proposal with unnecessary punctuation, an annoying flourish by a bad writer--or even an idiot.

FACT: Japan has experienced its worst disaster since World War II. COMMENT: Japan should adopt my one idea, the flat tax.

Sure, what the Japanese need right now is a flat tax. That will bring them all back to life and restore their devastated country. Great idea, Steve, if that is your real name (Malcolm).

ROBOT PROFESSOR EARNS TENURE

Researcher Hiroshi Ishiguri of ATR Robotics in Japan has created a robot that looks and moves “exactly” like himself.

Tired of commuting to work at Osaka University, Ishiguro now sends his robot friend Geminoid HI-1 to teach classes. He imagines his students will make steady progress under the instruction of a slightly more robotic version of himself.

“I want to check whether students as well as my family can feel my presence through Geminoid,” says Ishiguro. “If I could have one robot at the university and one robot at ATR, I would just do all my work from a hot-springs resort.”

Geminoid HI-1 is composed of silicone casts taken from the real Ishiguro. It is powered by pressurized air and capable of semi-autonomous micro-movements that mimic Ishiguro’s mannerisms. Using lip sensors, Ishiguro can make the android speak in his own voice from afar.

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The video reveals a weird, fidgety robot. This is a robot on the verge of strange mayhem.

JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN OUTSMART SWINE FLU

Menswear company Haruyuma Trading has unveiled a natty new suit designed to protect Japanese businessmen from the swine flu.

The suit is indistinguishable from the typical attire of Japan’s company man, but it differs in one crucial respect–it is loaded with titanium dioxide, a substance that breaks down and kills the virus.

A merchandising official at Haruyuma says the suit has been proven to kill 40% of the H1N1 virus over approximately three hours.

Haruyuma also claims the chemically-treated suit will retain effectiveness in spite of repeated washing.

After 32-year-old businessman Eiji Hiratsuka purchased the $590 suit, he told reporters, “I bought this suit to protect my new-born baby at home.”

Haruyuma is also known for its waterproof and laser-shooting fabrics.

JAPANESE CENTENARIANS REVOLT

In Japan, all citizens are entitled to receive a letter from the prime minister and a handsome sterling silver cup on their 100th birthday.

Newly installed Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama will have plenty of correspondence to write.

As of this month, Japan is bursting with centenarians, 40,399 of them to be precise. The number of centenarians has increased at a continually accelerating rate, reaching 10,000 in 1999 and topping 30,000 in 2007.

Japan’s centenarian population is expected to reach 1 million by 2050.

The retirement age in Japan is 60.

Japan’s rise of the superelderly has put a strain on resources, even forcing the government to switch to smaller silver cups.

Compounding the problem, most Japanese centenarians are bodybuilders capable of outmuscling several generations of young weaklings. According to the photographic evidence, many of these golden agers are armed with spears and are constantly protected by ingenious air bags.

Once the oldsters discover that Hatoyama is sending out cheap silver trinkets, a gray rebellion will surely follow.

JAPAN LAUNCHES “SPACE PROGRAM”

Japan’s first lady-in-waiting claims to have explored the cosmos during a nocturnal ride aboard an alien spacecraft.

Miyuki Hatoyama is the wife of newly-elected Japanese prime minister Yukio Hatoyama.

In her memoirs, Very Strange Things I’ve Encountered (2008), Miyuki details her abduction and subsequent voyage to the planet Venus.

“While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus,” she writes.

“It was a very beautiful place, and it was very green,” she adds.

Miyuki says her husband advised her that it was only a dream.

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Dream or not, Yukio Hatoyama has long been nicknamed “The Alien” because of his conspicuously extraterrestrial eyes.

He is expected to assume office September 16th.

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In November of last year, aeronautical engineers at the University of Tokyo began experimenting with paper airplanes for use in Japan's fledgling space program.

Hoping to discover cheaper materials for building spacecraft, the engineers reason that chemically treated paper might be able to withstand reentry and landing without bursting into flames.

Venusian First Lady.

Martian Prime Minister.

Japanese Space Shuttle.

BANANAS IN JAPAN

Seeking to capitalize on a surge in banana consumption in Japan, Dole began airing a bizarre commercial this year in which a young man, capable of spontaneously generating bananas, is accosted by throngs of ravenous Japanese.

The bananaman strolls through a park where he encounters a sad woman whom he consoles by firing bananas at her through his nostrils. This seems strange even by Japanese standards.

SEA MONSTERS ENCIRCLE JAPAN

Japan is the land of movie monsters. It is also the land of actual monsters.

The Japanese fishing industry has been devastated by repeated infestations of six feet wide, 440-pound jellyfish known as echizen kurage (Nomura’s jellyfish).

The aquatic pests destroy fishing nets, poisoning the catch. Some of the monstrous jellyfish have even managed to breach security at Japan’s nuclear power plants, clogging up the cool-water pumps.

Echizen kurage enjoyed a population boom in 2005 that still has scientists puzzled. Some have cited over-fishing, global warming and agricultural pollution as possible causes of the surge.

The mass of giant jellyfish assembling now in the Yellow Sea off China is the largest ever. Ocean currents will guide the pesky creatures straight to Japan.

Jellyfish are difficult to eradicate because, when under attack, they tend to release millions of eggs.

As the saying goes, when life hands you a bag of lemons, you make lemonade. In the Japanese version, you eat jellyfish ice cream. The Japanese, to their credit, have seamlessly integrated the sea monsters into their cuisine.

TOKYO DECLARES WAR ON CROWS

In 2001, Tokyo Governor Shintaro Ishihara was attacked by a dive-bombing crow while playing a round of golf.

Initiating a "war on crows," Ishihara announced his intention "to make crow-meat pies Tokyo’s special dish."

Between 1985 and 2001, Tokyo’s crow population had soared from 7,000 to 36,400.

The jungle crows (Corvus macrorhynchos) of Tokyo are larger and meaner than their counterparts in North America. Adult jungle crows have a wing-span of one yard and are known to clench their talons into fists and punch humans in the face. The birds seem to enjoy sneaking up on unsuspecting Tokyoites and causing them to cartoonishly fall down stairwells.

The ugly birds are accused of scaring children, crapping on everyone, ripping open countless bags of garbage and destroying Tokyo’s high-speed Internet cables. The birds regularly attack electrical wires, leading to periodic blackouts and the loss of power to a bullet train.

The city began setting traps baited with mayonnaise for the crows in 2001, exterminating over 105,000 crows and incinerating them at a top-secret location.

Tokyo appeared to be winning the war on crows until 2006, when the crows launched a counteroffensive. Around that time, budget cuts prompted the city to reduce the number of traps and switch from mayonnaise to a less effective lard bait. Since 2006, the crow population has increased by 30%.

Hiroshi Kawachi, of the Wild Bird Society, suggests that only the stupidest crows are vulnerable to the traps.

"The older, more clever crows never go near those traps," comments Kawachi. "They are catching only young, stupid crows, not the breeders."

More advanced crows are able to quickly disarm the traps and collect the prizes within. The lard is only making them stronger.