Eat Shit and Prosper

Kaitlin Hunter, 20, has experienced a series of misadventures lately, surviving a near-fatal auto accident only to develop a horrifying infection in her colon.  To paraphrase CNN, a timely shit transplant saved Hunter’s ass. 

Doubtless, we are all familiar with the expression “Eat shit and die,” but this story would seem to invalidate the insult.  It should be “Eat shit and live!”  Wouldn’t you know it was Hunter’s mom who donated the shit for the shit transplant, after Hunter’s colon became stricken by Clostridium difficile (C. diff), a bacterial infection that kills 14,000 Americans each year, according to the CDC. 

The C. diff apparently set in when Hunter was given antibiotics as a precautionary measure during her recovery from the auto accident, lowering her colon’s defenses.  The infection did not respond to further treatment, making the maternal shit transplant a life-saving act.  Is this the ultimate gift a mother can bestow on her child, the Gift of Shit?

IDIOT DRIVES TRUK

In Wisconsin, an Army veteran was questioned by police after painting the slogan "OBAMA FUK OFF" on the back of his vintage Chevy pickup truck. 

Dennis Hamm insists he did not misspell the word "fuck."  In fact, "FUK" is an acronym denoting "Fundamentally Useless Kenyan."  Wow.  Apparently, Hamm wants everyone to be clear on the fact that he is a racist, not someone who commits spelling errors while defacing his own vehicle.

Awesomely, the Sheriff's Department report also contains weird spelling errrors ("larege").

I'm not sure why Hamm's status as an Army veteran is relevant.  Does it make his attempt at profanity any less pathetic?  And what could "Obama Fundamentally Useless Kenyan Off" possibly mean?

Steve Forbes: I'm a Rich Jerk

Steve Forbes is the worst idiot in the world. Plenty of idiots are stupider than Forbes, but Forbes is the worst kind of idiot, one who can publish absurdities in a magazine with millions--well, thousands--of readers.

This publication is a joke. Every goddamned article refers to the "flat tax". Clearly Forbes remains fascinated by his one idea.

Editor-in-chief of the aptly titled Forbes (Flat Tax would be too obvious), Forbes writes his latest column (aptly headed "FACT & COMMENT -- STEVE FORBES") on how to rescue Japan. The solution to Japan's woes: flat tax.

"One major change that Tokyo should employ this time is to go for straight-out cuts in income tax--or even a flat tax--instead of preserving a loophole-riddled tax code that makes Swiss cheese look like a wall of steel."

Notice how Forbes offsets his timely flat tax proposal with unnecessary punctuation, an annoying flourish by a bad writer--or even an idiot.

FACT: Japan has experienced its worst disaster since World War II. COMMENT: Japan should adopt my one idea, the flat tax.

Sure, what the Japanese need right now is a flat tax. That will bring them all back to life and restore their devastated country. Great idea, Steve, if that is your real name (Malcolm).

IDIOT SAVANT RAISES ROBOT FAMILY, BANKRUPTS ACTUAL FAMILY

For the past 30 years, a Chinese simpleton has been building robots from scavenged materials.

Uneducated farmer Wu Yulu, 46, spent several years assembling his first robot, a simple machine that Wu designed to “walk like a man.” Wu’s robot, incapable of lifting its legs, could only shuffle awkwardly.

Wu’s robot friends have become much more advanced over the years and are now able to perform important tasks on the farm such as lighting cigarettes, playing musical instruments, writing poetry and scaling walls.

Spending two-thirds of his monthly income on robots, Wu has burdened his family with debt. In danger of losing his Beijing-area home, Wu was forced to sell some of his precious robots, a last resort for someone who refers to his robots as his “sons.”

Wu has named all of the robots after himself and assigned each robot a number based on order of creation. His current robot family is comprised of Wu1 to Wu26.

“They are all my sons,” says Wu. “So they must bear my surname.”

RUSSIANS REELECT PUTIN

In the latest polling, the person most often identified as “a real man” by Russians is erstwhile Russian President and current Secret Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The results demonstrate Putin’s disproportionate popularity with the ladies. While 16% of women prefer Putin, only 11% of men are similarly aroused by Putin’s incomparable real-manliness.

Soviet actor and troubadour Vladimir Vysotsky and maritime actor Konstantin Khabensky share second place in the polling data (7% each).

Obviously Mr. Putin must assassinate these men before they become any more “real.”

DWARVES ESTABLISH WEIRD UTOPIA

A community of dwarves in southern China has formed its own tiny town.

Seceding from Kunming, the 120 dwarves hope to escape discrimination while profiting from the flocks of tourists who come to gape at their “castle” and mushroom-shaped houses. In a bid to maximize tourism, the dwarves have begun dressing as Oompa Loompas and other exotic creatures.

Those who wish to live in the town must be shorter than 4 feet, 3 inches tall.

“As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people," comments Fu Tien. "But here there aren't any big people and everything we do is for us.”

RABBIT TOSS NIXED

A competition in which children hurl dead rabbits over great distances has been canceled in rural New Zealand following extensive complaints from animal rights groups.

The RSPCA argues that the event teaches children to entertain themselves with dead animals.

“Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?” asks animal cruelty inspector Charles Cadwallader.

Pig hunter Jo Moriarty begs to differ, commenting, “You know, the children of the community here are fantastic. They love their animals.”

According to tradition, the rabbit-throwing contest marks the inception of the town pig hunt in Waiau, where pigs are regarded as a delicacy but rabbits are viewed with suspicion.

Over 30 million wild rabbits roam New Zealand, terrorizing the populace and exacting $22 million worth of damage.

The All-Blacks are New Zealand's first line of defense against wild rabbits.