CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUTION

Im Chun-yong, a former North Korean military captain who escaped to South Korea in 1999, reports that North Korea tests its vast stockpile of chemical and biological weapons on children with mental and physical disabilities.

Kim Jong-il’s regime may be communist in theory, but its praxis is pure Nazism.

"If you are born mentally or physically deficient, the government says your best contribution to society...is as a guinea pig for biological and chemical weapons testing," says Im Chun-yong.

Children are blasted with poisonous gases as soldiers time how long it takes the kids to die.

Experts estimate that North Korea has several tons of chemical weapons. In Kim's communist utopia, disabled people are conspicuously absent.

TOKYO DECLARES WAR ON CROWS

In 2001, Tokyo Governor Shintaro Ishihara was attacked by a dive-bombing crow while playing a round of golf.

Initiating a "war on crows," Ishihara announced his intention "to make crow-meat pies Tokyo’s special dish."

Between 1985 and 2001, Tokyo’s crow population had soared from 7,000 to 36,400.

The jungle crows (Corvus macrorhynchos) of Tokyo are larger and meaner than their counterparts in North America. Adult jungle crows have a wing-span of one yard and are known to clench their talons into fists and punch humans in the face. The birds seem to enjoy sneaking up on unsuspecting Tokyoites and causing them to cartoonishly fall down stairwells.

The ugly birds are accused of scaring children, crapping on everyone, ripping open countless bags of garbage and destroying Tokyo’s high-speed Internet cables. The birds regularly attack electrical wires, leading to periodic blackouts and the loss of power to a bullet train.

The city began setting traps baited with mayonnaise for the crows in 2001, exterminating over 105,000 crows and incinerating them at a top-secret location.

Tokyo appeared to be winning the war on crows until 2006, when the crows launched a counteroffensive. Around that time, budget cuts prompted the city to reduce the number of traps and switch from mayonnaise to a less effective lard bait. Since 2006, the crow population has increased by 30%.

Hiroshi Kawachi, of the Wild Bird Society, suggests that only the stupidest crows are vulnerable to the traps.

"The older, more clever crows never go near those traps," comments Kawachi. "They are catching only young, stupid crows, not the breeders."

More advanced crows are able to quickly disarm the traps and collect the prizes within. The lard is only making them stronger.

THE RUSSIAN OBAMA

Joakim Krima is neither Russian nor Obama.

The 37-year-old candidate for mayor of Volgograd has been dubbed the "Volgograd Obama" and the "Black Russian" by local reporters (Krima would prefer to be called "Vasily Ivanovich" or "The New Head of the Region.").

Even Krima’s supporters joke that the Guinea-Bissau native, who sells watermelons for a living, will "work like a slave" on behalf of his constituency.

Pravda calls the campaign "a scandal," noting that Krima bills himself as a Russian citizen and uses "the racial issue" to advance his candidacy.

Krima has adopted the name Vasily Ivanovich in homage to Russian military hero Vasily Chapayev.

Roadside billboards have appeared in the city formerly known as Stalingrad, featuring Krima’s image and the campaign slogan "The New Head of the Region."

SPACE CRAPPER CRAPS OUT...Houston: How Long Can You Hold It?

Something stinks in the space program.

Yesterday, one of two toilets at the international space station unleashed a foul stench after the pump separator flooded.

The multimillion-dollar, Russian-made toilet is shared by six space station residents and seven shuttle astronauts.

NASA flight director Brian Smith declined to comment on whether "overuse" was to blame for the toilet trouble.

Mission Control instructed the astronauts to place an "out of service" sign on the toilet as repairs are attempted.

Astronauts aboard the Endeavour space shuttle are now relying exclusively upon the on-board toilet, raising the possibility that the shuttle’s waste water tank could burst.

Kim Jong-il Outlives Michael Jackson...But Can He Out-Weird Him?

According to South Korean news reports, the perpetually dying Kim Jong-il is now being treated for life-threatening pancreatic cancer.

Someone at North Korea’s "Longevity Institute" will have to be fired and sent to a remote gulag. The Longevity Institute, an arm of the finance and accounting department of the Workers’ Party, is charged with maintaining Kim’s health for the ages, an increasingly unworkable task.

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The Institute ensures that Kim receives the highest quality food in great abundance, such as rice from special farms in Mundok County. Officials carefully examine each individual grain of rice before cooking the rice over a flame with firewood obtained from Mt. Paekdu.

Kim drinks bottled mineral water from dedicated springs. His team of Italian chefs deliver him hot pizza on demand. He is said to eat shark-fin soup no fewer than three times a week. Kim regularly indulges in lobster, but prefers boshintang, or dog soup.

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The Longevity Institute may not succeed in granting Kim eternal life, but it has succeeded in fattening him.

Author Michael Breen calls Kim Jong-il "the only Fat Bastard in the whole country."

Under Kim’s dear leadership, 10% of his country’s population has starved.