RUSSIANS REELECT PUTIN

In the latest polling, the person most often identified as “a real man” by Russians is erstwhile Russian President and current Secret Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The results demonstrate Putin’s disproportionate popularity with the ladies. While 16% of women prefer Putin, only 11% of men are similarly aroused by Putin’s incomparable real-manliness.

Soviet actor and troubadour Vladimir Vysotsky and maritime actor Konstantin Khabensky share second place in the polling data (7% each).

Obviously Mr. Putin must assassinate these men before they become any more “real.”

DWARVES ESTABLISH WEIRD UTOPIA

A community of dwarves in southern China has formed its own tiny town.

Seceding from Kunming, the 120 dwarves hope to escape discrimination while profiting from the flocks of tourists who come to gape at their “castle” and mushroom-shaped houses. In a bid to maximize tourism, the dwarves have begun dressing as Oompa Loompas and other exotic creatures.

Those who wish to live in the town must be shorter than 4 feet, 3 inches tall.

“As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people," comments Fu Tien. "But here there aren't any big people and everything we do is for us.”

RABBIT TOSS NIXED

A competition in which children hurl dead rabbits over great distances has been canceled in rural New Zealand following extensive complaints from animal rights groups.

The RSPCA argues that the event teaches children to entertain themselves with dead animals.

“Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?” asks animal cruelty inspector Charles Cadwallader.

Pig hunter Jo Moriarty begs to differ, commenting, “You know, the children of the community here are fantastic. They love their animals.”

According to tradition, the rabbit-throwing contest marks the inception of the town pig hunt in Waiau, where pigs are regarded as a delicacy but rabbits are viewed with suspicion.

Over 30 million wild rabbits roam New Zealand, terrorizing the populace and exacting $22 million worth of damage.

The All-Blacks are New Zealand's first line of defense against wild rabbits.