CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR SEEKS RUSSIAN STRONGMAN TO ADD TO HIS COLLECTION

Vladimir Putin’s proclivity for prancing around shirtless has won him fans not only within the homosexual community, but the gubernatorial community as well.

In March, Arnold Schwarzenegger will receive a bronze bust of the Russian dictator, adding to Schwarzenegger’s already impressive portfolio of bronzed Russians.

St. Petersburg-area artist Alexander Chernoschyokov, who has been working on the Putin sculpture since June, previously made sculptures of Lenin, Stalin, Gorbachev and Yeltsin for Schwarzenegger.

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Putin raised a few eyebrows earlier this month when he announced the formation of a new song contest to rival the Eurovision contest, which has been held annually since 1956.

Putin envisions Russian singers squaring off against their Chinese, Kazakh, Uzbek, Tajik and Kyrgyz counterparts in a compelling event he calls “Intervision.”

The Eurovision contest attracts a television audience of 100 million.

Putin raised the issue at a meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization, saying that member nations would benefit from the music contest.

“Conducting an international modern song contest, Intervision, would strengthen cultural ties between our nations,” said Putin in Beijing.

ROBOT PROFESSOR EARNS TENURE

Researcher Hiroshi Ishiguri of ATR Robotics in Japan has created a robot that looks and moves “exactly” like himself.

Tired of commuting to work at Osaka University, Ishiguro now sends his robot friend Geminoid HI-1 to teach classes. He imagines his students will make steady progress under the instruction of a slightly more robotic version of himself.

“I want to check whether students as well as my family can feel my presence through Geminoid,” says Ishiguro. “If I could have one robot at the university and one robot at ATR, I would just do all my work from a hot-springs resort.”

Geminoid HI-1 is composed of silicone casts taken from the real Ishiguro. It is powered by pressurized air and capable of semi-autonomous micro-movements that mimic Ishiguro’s mannerisms. Using lip sensors, Ishiguro can make the android speak in his own voice from afar.

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The video reveals a weird, fidgety robot. This is a robot on the verge of strange mayhem.

JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN OUTSMART SWINE FLU

Menswear company Haruyuma Trading has unveiled a natty new suit designed to protect Japanese businessmen from the swine flu.

The suit is indistinguishable from the typical attire of Japan’s company man, but it differs in one crucial respect–it is loaded with titanium dioxide, a substance that breaks down and kills the virus.

A merchandising official at Haruyuma says the suit has been proven to kill 40% of the H1N1 virus over approximately three hours.

Haruyuma also claims the chemically-treated suit will retain effectiveness in spite of repeated washing.

After 32-year-old businessman Eiji Hiratsuka purchased the $590 suit, he told reporters, “I bought this suit to protect my new-born baby at home.”

Haruyuma is also known for its waterproof and laser-shooting fabrics.

JAPANESE CENTENARIANS REVOLT

In Japan, all citizens are entitled to receive a letter from the prime minister and a handsome sterling silver cup on their 100th birthday.

Newly installed Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama will have plenty of correspondence to write.

As of this month, Japan is bursting with centenarians, 40,399 of them to be precise. The number of centenarians has increased at a continually accelerating rate, reaching 10,000 in 1999 and topping 30,000 in 2007.

Japan’s centenarian population is expected to reach 1 million by 2050.

The retirement age in Japan is 60.

Japan’s rise of the superelderly has put a strain on resources, even forcing the government to switch to smaller silver cups.

Compounding the problem, most Japanese centenarians are bodybuilders capable of outmuscling several generations of young weaklings. According to the photographic evidence, many of these golden agers are armed with spears and are constantly protected by ingenious air bags.

Once the oldsters discover that Hatoyama is sending out cheap silver trinkets, a gray rebellion will surely follow.

THE ISLE OF LESBOS IS NOT A TOWN IN SWEDEN

A flurry of articles in the Chinese news media reveals the existence of a magical town of lesbians in northern Sweden, where thousands of horny women have prospered for 150 years without the presence of men, somehow avoiding the need for reproduction.

The Xinhua news agency reports that the 25,000-woman city was founded in 1820 by a wealthy widow. The town is known as “Shakebao” or “Chako Paul City.”

China’s Harbin news service reports that the women have all turned to lesbianism “because they could not suppress their sexual needs.” The Shanghai media group concurs that a lack of exposure to men forms the basis of municipal lesbianism.

According to reports, most of the town’s residents are employed in the forestry industry. Typically, the women strut around topless, sporting belts “full of woodworking equipment.”

A pair of blonde, female sentries guard the entrance to the town, inflicting great violence on all men who attempt to breach security. Women who opt to leave the city are only permitted to return following the completion of several cleansing rituals.

According to Xinhua, Chako Paul’s tourism industry is bustling. “Hotels and restaurants are everywhere, to receive women from around the world.”

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The Swedes remain unconvinced.

Claes Bertilson, spokesperson for Sweden’s association of Local Authorities and Regions expresses doubt over the existence of Chako Paul.

“At 25,000 residents, the town would be one of the largest in northern Sweden, and I find it hard to believe that you could keep something like that a secret for more than 150 years,” comments Bertilson.

Per Wilhelmsson, a tourism official in northern Sweden says that while he has never heard of Chako Paul, tourism in the area is robust.

RATMAN COLLECTS PRIZE...Slumdog Million-Rat

Bangladesh honored a humble farmer yesterday who personally slaughtered 83,450 rats.

Mokhairul Islam, 40, was awarded a 14-inch color television as first prize in a national rat-killing contest that resulted in the death of millions of rats in one short month.

Islam was meticulous in his rat-killing, saving up the tails as proof of his impressive tally.

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Bangladesh faces chronic food shortages, importing 3 million tons of food annually. Officials at the Ministry of Agriculture estimate that rats destroy up to 2 million tons of food each year.