RUSSIANS REELECT PUTIN

In the latest polling, the person most often identified as “a real man” by Russians is erstwhile Russian President and current Secret Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The results demonstrate Putin’s disproportionate popularity with the ladies. While 16% of women prefer Putin, only 11% of men are similarly aroused by Putin’s incomparable real-manliness.

Soviet actor and troubadour Vladimir Vysotsky and maritime actor Konstantin Khabensky share second place in the polling data (7% each).

Obviously Mr. Putin must assassinate these men before they become any more “real.”

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR SEEKS RUSSIAN STRONGMAN TO ADD TO HIS COLLECTION

Vladimir Putin’s proclivity for prancing around shirtless has won him fans not only within the homosexual community, but the gubernatorial community as well.

In March, Arnold Schwarzenegger will receive a bronze bust of the Russian dictator, adding to Schwarzenegger’s already impressive portfolio of bronzed Russians.

St. Petersburg-area artist Alexander Chernoschyokov, who has been working on the Putin sculpture since June, previously made sculptures of Lenin, Stalin, Gorbachev and Yeltsin for Schwarzenegger.

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Putin raised a few eyebrows earlier this month when he announced the formation of a new song contest to rival the Eurovision contest, which has been held annually since 1956.

Putin envisions Russian singers squaring off against their Chinese, Kazakh, Uzbek, Tajik and Kyrgyz counterparts in a compelling event he calls “Intervision.”

The Eurovision contest attracts a television audience of 100 million.

Putin raised the issue at a meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization, saying that member nations would benefit from the music contest.

“Conducting an international modern song contest, Intervision, would strengthen cultural ties between our nations,” said Putin in Beijing.

PUTIN’S TREASURED CHEST...Crushin’ on the White Russian

As Russian strongman Vladimir Putin poses for another bizarre, shirtless photo shoot, I cannot help but wonder why he constantly feels the need to display his droopy man-boobs.

"It makes no sense to ride a horse shirtless," my wife comments. "He is gross."

Putin’s desperate attempts to prove his rugged masculinity have resulted in an expansive portfolio of homoerotica. The more macho he tries to be, the campier his appearance.

Of course, Putin’s motivation is not rooted in his sexuality per se, but in his tiny anatomy.