RUSSIANS REELECT PUTIN

In the latest polling, the person most often identified as “a real man” by Russians is erstwhile Russian President and current Secret Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The results demonstrate Putin’s disproportionate popularity with the ladies. While 16% of women prefer Putin, only 11% of men are similarly aroused by Putin’s incomparable real-manliness.

Soviet actor and troubadour Vladimir Vysotsky and maritime actor Konstantin Khabensky share second place in the polling data (7% each).

Obviously Mr. Putin must assassinate these men before they become any more “real.”

PUTIN’S TREASURED CHEST...Crushin’ on the White Russian

As Russian strongman Vladimir Putin poses for another bizarre, shirtless photo shoot, I cannot help but wonder why he constantly feels the need to display his droopy man-boobs.

"It makes no sense to ride a horse shirtless," my wife comments. "He is gross."

Putin’s desperate attempts to prove his rugged masculinity have resulted in an expansive portfolio of homoerotica. The more macho he tries to be, the campier his appearance.

Of course, Putin’s motivation is not rooted in his sexuality per se, but in his tiny anatomy.