Steve Forbes: I'm a Rich Jerk

Steve Forbes is the worst idiot in the world. Plenty of idiots are stupider than Forbes, but Forbes is the worst kind of idiot, one who can publish absurdities in a magazine with millions--well, thousands--of readers.

This publication is a joke. Every goddamned article refers to the "flat tax". Clearly Forbes remains fascinated by his one idea.

Editor-in-chief of the aptly titled Forbes (Flat Tax would be too obvious), Forbes writes his latest column (aptly headed "FACT & COMMENT -- STEVE FORBES") on how to rescue Japan. The solution to Japan's woes: flat tax.

"One major change that Tokyo should employ this time is to go for straight-out cuts in income tax--or even a flat tax--instead of preserving a loophole-riddled tax code that makes Swiss cheese look like a wall of steel."

Notice how Forbes offsets his timely flat tax proposal with unnecessary punctuation, an annoying flourish by a bad writer--or even an idiot.

FACT: Japan has experienced its worst disaster since World War II. COMMENT: Japan should adopt my one idea, the flat tax.

Sure, what the Japanese need right now is a flat tax. That will bring them all back to life and restore their devastated country. Great idea, Steve, if that is your real name (Malcolm).

IDIOT SAVANT RAISES ROBOT FAMILY, BANKRUPTS ACTUAL FAMILY

For the past 30 years, a Chinese simpleton has been building robots from scavenged materials.

Uneducated farmer Wu Yulu, 46, spent several years assembling his first robot, a simple machine that Wu designed to “walk like a man.” Wu’s robot, incapable of lifting its legs, could only shuffle awkwardly.

Wu’s robot friends have become much more advanced over the years and are now able to perform important tasks on the farm such as lighting cigarettes, playing musical instruments, writing poetry and scaling walls.

Spending two-thirds of his monthly income on robots, Wu has burdened his family with debt. In danger of losing his Beijing-area home, Wu was forced to sell some of his precious robots, a last resort for someone who refers to his robots as his “sons.”

Wu has named all of the robots after himself and assigned each robot a number based on order of creation. His current robot family is comprised of Wu1 to Wu26.

“They are all my sons,” says Wu. “So they must bear my surname.”

RUSSIANS REELECT PUTIN

In the latest polling, the person most often identified as “a real man” by Russians is erstwhile Russian President and current Secret Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The results demonstrate Putin’s disproportionate popularity with the ladies. While 16% of women prefer Putin, only 11% of men are similarly aroused by Putin’s incomparable real-manliness.

Soviet actor and troubadour Vladimir Vysotsky and maritime actor Konstantin Khabensky share second place in the polling data (7% each).

Obviously Mr. Putin must assassinate these men before they become any more “real.”

DWARVES ESTABLISH WEIRD UTOPIA

A community of dwarves in southern China has formed its own tiny town.

Seceding from Kunming, the 120 dwarves hope to escape discrimination while profiting from the flocks of tourists who come to gape at their “castle” and mushroom-shaped houses. In a bid to maximize tourism, the dwarves have begun dressing as Oompa Loompas and other exotic creatures.

Those who wish to live in the town must be shorter than 4 feet, 3 inches tall.

“As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people," comments Fu Tien. "But here there aren't any big people and everything we do is for us.”

RABBIT TOSS NIXED

A competition in which children hurl dead rabbits over great distances has been canceled in rural New Zealand following extensive complaints from animal rights groups.

The RSPCA argues that the event teaches children to entertain themselves with dead animals.

“Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?” asks animal cruelty inspector Charles Cadwallader.

Pig hunter Jo Moriarty begs to differ, commenting, “You know, the children of the community here are fantastic. They love their animals.”

According to tradition, the rabbit-throwing contest marks the inception of the town pig hunt in Waiau, where pigs are regarded as a delicacy but rabbits are viewed with suspicion.

Over 30 million wild rabbits roam New Zealand, terrorizing the populace and exacting $22 million worth of damage.

The All-Blacks are New Zealand's first line of defense against wild rabbits.

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR SEEKS RUSSIAN STRONGMAN TO ADD TO HIS COLLECTION

Vladimir Putin’s proclivity for prancing around shirtless has won him fans not only within the homosexual community, but the gubernatorial community as well.

In March, Arnold Schwarzenegger will receive a bronze bust of the Russian dictator, adding to Schwarzenegger’s already impressive portfolio of bronzed Russians.

St. Petersburg-area artist Alexander Chernoschyokov, who has been working on the Putin sculpture since June, previously made sculptures of Lenin, Stalin, Gorbachev and Yeltsin for Schwarzenegger.

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Putin raised a few eyebrows earlier this month when he announced the formation of a new song contest to rival the Eurovision contest, which has been held annually since 1956.

Putin envisions Russian singers squaring off against their Chinese, Kazakh, Uzbek, Tajik and Kyrgyz counterparts in a compelling event he calls “Intervision.”

The Eurovision contest attracts a television audience of 100 million.

Putin raised the issue at a meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization, saying that member nations would benefit from the music contest.

“Conducting an international modern song contest, Intervision, would strengthen cultural ties between our nations,” said Putin in Beijing.

ROBOT PROFESSOR EARNS TENURE

Researcher Hiroshi Ishiguri of ATR Robotics in Japan has created a robot that looks and moves “exactly” like himself.

Tired of commuting to work at Osaka University, Ishiguro now sends his robot friend Geminoid HI-1 to teach classes. He imagines his students will make steady progress under the instruction of a slightly more robotic version of himself.

“I want to check whether students as well as my family can feel my presence through Geminoid,” says Ishiguro. “If I could have one robot at the university and one robot at ATR, I would just do all my work from a hot-springs resort.”

Geminoid HI-1 is composed of silicone casts taken from the real Ishiguro. It is powered by pressurized air and capable of semi-autonomous micro-movements that mimic Ishiguro’s mannerisms. Using lip sensors, Ishiguro can make the android speak in his own voice from afar.

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The video reveals a weird, fidgety robot. This is a robot on the verge of strange mayhem.